I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
