so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize