be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
