i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
