what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
