There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
