All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
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