We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
