Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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