I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
