Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
