she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize