i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
