3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
