i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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