I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
