guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
