im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
