the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
