I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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