is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
