OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
