My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
