best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
