I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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