So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
