I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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