WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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