I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
