I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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