you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
