I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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