3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize