Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Randomize
