Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
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