Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
