The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
