He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
