What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
