Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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