I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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