i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
