you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
