My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
