Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
