my room smells like sperm. sweet.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
