We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize