I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
