They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
there was a trapeze. enough said
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
