Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
