i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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