Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
porn star boner night. come get it.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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