I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
