Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
