I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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