I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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