Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize