How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
