last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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