Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
