She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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