Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
