Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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