i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
