Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
