wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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