he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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