I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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